A new chapter for Standing on His Own is up!
Just some random things I have been thinking about.
- I have to write 10,000 words tonight to get Parasol back on track and maybe a bit more to give me a buffer for Thanksgiving. Check out the amazing picture below I found that is spot on for my main character, Rebecca.
- My house is driving me nuts. I REALLY need to clean and get my lights fixed in the shed so I can do laundry at night.
- I have new chapters I need to edit for several Fan Fictions that I hope to finish up soon and get posted.
- I had an amazing time in Savannah, GA and highly recommend Churchill’s Pub.
- I am loving Dodger by Pratchett, such a fun book.
- My car saga’s not over yet for those in the know. I spent a week in a rental trying to get it fixed. Got it back Sunday and Monday morning I have the exact same issue that was supposed to be fixed. Think it’s time for a new car.
I have a new favorite phrase, "motiveless malignity".
I’m trying not to be down today. I have no reason to want to curl up and hide away but that is what is pulling at me today. Some days your skin just feels too thin, ribs too tight and hard around your lungs.
I have too many things left to do today to let myself collapse into sleep. I have to clean and pack for my trip. I have to get several people on the phone and find out about my car and if I need to extend my rental or not. It does not sound like my car will be fixed in time before I leave town on vacation.
I’ve spent three weeks now trying to get a credit card account closed. They wanted me to fax something in that was rejected every time I tried to send it. I went in person to pay off the account and they said I would have to call back to close the account once the balance was paid off. Fine. Called today, they are closed. I left another message.
I finally got someone on the phone about my car. They will not get the part in until tomorrow morning. So they’ve had the car since last Saturday, it’s now Wednesday and they have yet to do anything. Yeah, doubt I’m getting the car back in time for my trip.
I’ve never liked being in the spot light. I learned quickly that being seen meant being hurt in some way in school. I was never the popular or pretty one and got reminded of that fact over and over again as I was passed over no matter what I volunteered for or tried to do.
I was too brainy and smart and didn’t know how to tone it down so that I didn’t overwhelm people with facts and information they didn’t care about. Over the years I learned to sit down, shut up, and blend in with the herd. Doing otherwise was never a good thing.
But the fact is I’ve never been one of the herd. I hated it, despised the generic flat conversation and how dull everything was around me. When the internet arrived I finally found my people. People who wanted answers to the questions crowding their heads, who were willing to try new things, and talk to strangers to understand their perspectives and lives.
I’m still trying to find myself even in my thirties. I’ve rarely felt comfortable in my own skin, being too clumsy, too quiet, too talkative, for most people. My need for conversations of depth disturbs people who aren’t willing to be that open to others.
I’ve learned to be more comfortable showing my intelligence as I found people willing to listen and I learned when to turn it off when it’s obvious that the person I’m talking to doesn’t really care. I’ve tried to distance myself from those people since I value being honest in my interactions.
Part of my problem is when things I love will be used to single me out in society or a social context. I love going a bit crazy with my hair, I’m willing to pay for an amazing stylist if it means I can come in with any photo or color scheme and she can make my hair look amazing.
Take the car I’m looking at possible getting. It’s a muscle car, black sleek and hugging the ground. I love it since I truly love to drive and it handles amazingly, making me grin with every turn or acceleration. However it is a very eye catching car. Having the rental version parked in my driveway looks odd since everyone around me has the sensible four door cars you expect in a middle income neighborhood.
If I get this car people are going to see it and make assumptions. They are going to look at it and say "Look, she’s compensating for something." or "Look whose going through a midlife crisis." when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m going to have to deal with people actually seeing me, noticing me when I’m so used to hiding in the corner, watching everyone around me without being forced to interact.
The car is simply an outward sign of who I am on the inside. The fact that I know no one noticed this side of me just makes it worse. Yes, friends and family are going to talk but I just can’t make myself care. They probably already talk about my red hair and when I get my tattoo they will talk about that. Everything just adds up to me being more comfortable in my skin which they are just going to have to get used to because this is just who I have always been, just on the outside a bit more then they are used to seeing.