Journals

Just a note: 

I will be unlocking my Journals for a while to see how this works on the blog. Please understand that these posts are just that, Journal Posts. I tend to write these when I am working through an issue in my life. Yes, they tend to be whiny and dark. It’s me working through something by writing. Take it with a grain of salt, please.

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Life is Loading

I keep having to remind myself that things take time.

The last few weeks have been stressful. We have a new person at work that I am helping to train and I have been pulled into more of a Team Lead position since I am the only one still here from the beginning now. I am not a natural team lead. Dealing with projects, meetings, and people in a constant “On, Let’s get work done.” position exhausts me.

I need to figure out a way to force myself to exercise more. I would like to sign up for some classes or join a walking group. I thought about this earlier but most of them met up way too early in the afternoon and I always missed the meets. I could make a walking group on Meetup but I am not sure I want to add another responsibility to my already packed life. Something to think on.

Because of work a lot of things have been put on the back burner. My home life and hobbies have been put on hold as was my health. Now that I have more help at work I hope to start evening this out soon.

I have a week until my drop dead date for my novel and I do not think I will make it. I didn’t work on my novel at all last week. I got stuck on several scenes I want to add and didn’t move past them. The only good news is that I think I have a plan on how to work out the Riot scene that has been driving me nuts. 

I got some great advice from an article I read last week. 

“Writing Violence: Don’t make it bigger. Make it matter. Don’t make it easy, make it hard. Look to character and motivation to root the violence in the people committing it. Make everyone the hero of their story, make the violence matter as much to them as it should, and make it as surprising and upsetting as it is in life.”

I added the riot scene because I needed more conflict in the book, however at the same time I need to make the scene push the characters forward in some way, expose some issue or vulnerability, show how the violence impacts the main character.

Sadly to do this I think I need to injure or kill a side character. I need a major action that will push my main character to act against the violence. She has been coasting along as people around her make decisions about her life. It’s time for her to stand up and fight back.

I will soon be looking for Beta readers once I finish the edits and get my book reformatted. Anyone interested?

#writingasides

Journal

Bad weekend.

Spent most of today out of sorts and/or in a fetal position with the occasional distraction for small things.

What I managed to get done today?

  • Feel utterly useless
  • moved things around my kitchen
  • spent money I did not need to
  • bought my Uncle and Sister a birthday present for parties I will probably not be able to attend.
  • moved furniture in the living room and rugs
  • tried to get my dog to stop clinging to me, being under my feet 24/7 is not a good thing.
  • made a list of places we will probably not get to on my up coming vacation.
  • cleaned the craft table and set up some candles to be made but made none.
  • read ten more pages of a book.
  • had a beer I did not need.
  • played Persuasion 6 times in the background of my wallowing.
  • changed the battery on the smoke alarm and cleaned my pocket knife.
  • paid rent for both my places. yay on being broke.

Journal

Having a bad day full of getting very little accomplished amid panic attacks. Spent most of the day immobile in a chair waiting for the tension to ease enough so that I felt like I could actually breathe.

Still having crazy dreams, being lazy and eating too much fast food.

I did get a few things done. Chores that I have to do for next weeks work week.

  • Laundry is done.
  • Plants are watered.
  • Some of the yard work was done, not much.

Things still to do.

  • Writing, I am so far behind on my book.
  • Yard work. I starting to seriously consider just paying someone to do this once a month.
  • Tomorrow I am either going walking or going to the zoo.

Ghosts

This is an amazing article. I highly recommend you read the full thing.

 

http://hannahbrencher.com/2014/07/24/riding-in-lifeboats-with-ghosts/

Not everyone wants what you want. And not everyone wants to save the world. Some people want air. Some people want a family. Some people want dreams they can’t even touch. Calling is different for everyone but the mistake is made when we start thinking the way we measure our own success defines what other people’s mediocrity looks like. 

 

And while I’m not an expert or a ghost buster, I think a ghost gets born out of a constant wish that maybe you and another person might have more to say to each other. Like maybe you never reached the point of finally saying everything. And maybe, just maybe, if you can manage to keep a person in your orbit or your memory a little while longer then you’ll never have to face the real truth: you can’t fix everything. You are a human. Not a fixer. Not a maker. Not a lifeboat with enough seats to save a slew of green-eyed boys if you needed to. 

          I’ll write that again: You’re aren’t a lifeboat.

There is a savior mentality stitched into most of us. We want to save. We want to fix. Because thinking we can be saviors and lifeboats is so much easier than letting go of someone we learned how to love with our whole body.

 

Journal

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I had this big article I was writing in my head on anxiety and fear. How hard it is to explain to people who’ve never had depression what you go through when you are on a downward spiral. The anxiety and fear that fills you and drags you down until you would do anything to stop feeling that way. Then yesterday something small tipped me back into my own spiral and I couldn’t make myself write.

I spent most of yesterday fighting against old bad habits I have cultivated to deal with my issues. I’m still not out of it yet today. It takes so much energy to fight against a part of yourself that you know are being irrational.

Fighting against the tension riding your spine and banding your ribs until you feel like you can’t breathe. And always the fear, irrational, smothering fear that obliterates your common sense. Fear that has no cause and no reason, you are just shiver with fear and waiting for something to tighten or loosen enough for a change to be made. For something to finally give.

I have an on going argument with a friend over why we are drawn to damaged characters in writing and in life. I believe that everyone is damaged in some way and we all just have different ways of coping with that damage. She thinks society rejects those who show they are damaged, that acknowledging the damage in public is social suicide. I say it is acknowledging that no one is perfect and those that seem to be so are just better at hiding their flaws.

Depression and anxiety disorders have never been socially acceptable. it is often seen as a failing of the person suffering from the condition. They were not strong enough, they were not persistent enough. They did not get out and get up and do things enough. They were not enough.

As an introvert I have issues with most of the “cures” that people offer for depression.

  • Forcing yourself to get out more when you are not comfortable being extremely social just adds to your exhaustion making it take twice as long to recover.
  • Faking that you are perfectly fine might get you through the days but it still all comes back when you are alone.
  • Talking to friends only works if you have friends available to talk to which lately has been slim to none. I am too honest to lie to the people around me that I am not having a bad day.

Instead I have been trying to find ways to be healthy while I recover from the down swing.

  • I have to get the chores done at least once a week. No one else but me will care if the dishes sit or the lawn is not perfectly mowed. Use that energy to recover and get your head back straight.
  • Do something good for yourself. Take a walk, go to the zoo, exercise, create something. Take an hour and lay in bed and read. Play with your pet.
  • You want to sleep the day away? Okay. As long as you don’t have any important things that must be done you can go to bed at 5pm and wake up at 6am. However, you have to make up for that lost time on the weekend by getting all your chores done.
  • My main rule is becoming “Be kind to yourself.” You are allowed to fail occasionally. Not everything needs to be done right now. 

Writing Asides

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I’ve run into mishap after mishap on what was supposed to be my catch up day. My computer chair broke, spent almost an hour finding screws and fixing things. After lunch I’m headed to the coffee house to see if I can get away from the noise of the baseball game next door. Fingers crossed the afternoon goes better or my total for the novel this week will be zero. I got a few thousand words pecked out on other projects but my drop dead date is approaching and I am not even half way there. Time to buckle down.