Phil made his way to medical, forcing himself to only stride quickly and with purpose. It would not do to scare the staff by running. The texts from Natasha had not been reassuring.
Need you in Medical, ASAP. – NR
Reason? – PC
He walked into chaos, a nurse quickly directed him to a crowded medical bay. Natasha stood to one side of a bed while several nurses and doctors were treating injured just outside the door. Phil pushed past them, Clint had to be the black clad form on the bed.
“He won’t respond to me.”
“What’s the situation?” Phil asked taking in Clint curled up against the railing of the bed, teeth bared and blood smeared across his face from a split lip and bloody nose.
“The doctors started him on an IV drip that was supposed to inoculate him from the hallucinogenic compound Valero was exposed to. He fell asleep and woke up like this.”
“We need to get another blood draw done to see what’s happening.” One of the doctors said from where he was wrapping a nurse’s wrist.
“What’s your best guess?”
“Agent Barton has very low levels in his blood test. It’s possible the IV caused the compounds to be released if he had the compound stored in his body somewhere. If he did any high stress situation would have released more of the compound into his body.”
“So the more stressed he is the more compound is being released?”
“So we need to calm him down.” Natasha muttered, watching the shivering form of her partner.
“Wonderful.” Phil said, tugging off his tie and removing his jacket. “Can you clear the room? We’ll see if we can get him relaxed enough for the blood draw.”
The staff quickly left the room, leaving Phil and Natasha watching the panicked man on the other side of the small room. Natasha moved to lean against the door while Phil rolled up his sleeves. This was going to take some time.
Clint curled up as tightly as he could. He had never been a lucid dreamer but he was fairly certain there was no way this could be real. Even so he flinched at every whimper or scream. Watching yourself be beaten and abused by your childhood tormentors was bad enough. Having them attack your adult self as well just made it worse.
Slowly he realized that he could hear someone talking to him over the howls of pain and shouts abuse. The words rose and fell but never cut off. Hands touched him and he lashed out, fighting the touch but the hands never hurt.
Clint slowly stopped fighting, waiting to see what this person would do. He lay there, chest heaving as he watched his younger self get beaten by Trickshot with Barney standing nearby watching. The hands tugged him forward slightly before he felt a body slid between him and the wall pulling his back against their chest.
Hands roamed, rubbed comforting circles against his arms and shoulders, but never restraining him. He slowly slumped into the warmth of this other body. It took a while but eventually the mangled drone of words in his ear resolved into the soft rasp of Phil’s voice in one ear.
He was telling stories about different ops they had been on. Clint twitched slightly when Natasha chimed in with corrections. Phil seemed to be pushing the calm he kept wrapped around him into Clint by force of will.
“There you are. Do you know where you are?” He asked, his hands stilling. Clint immediately flailed with one hand for something to hold on to, something to ground him like the touch had done.
“Here. I’m not leaving.” Phil said, grabbing his reaching hand with one of his own and holding on as tight as Clint was.
“Do you know where you are?”
“No.” Clint said, trying to ignore how small his voice sounded.
“You’re at Shield Medical. You came in this morning after they found Valero for tests.”
“What’s going on Clint. What are you seeing?”
“Me. Getting hurt.”
“You know that’s not real.”
“No, already happened. Memories.”
Of course in the memories Barney had never stared at him with such menace in his eyes. He wasn’t even watching his younger self get raped. Barney had eyes only for the real Clint.
“The doctors need to come in to fix your IV and draw some blood. Can they do that?”
“I’m staying right here, Clint. Natasha’s here too. We’re going to watch your back.”
There was a low murmur of conversation to one side of the room before Phil was narrating every touch moments before it happened. The scene in front of his eyes shifted to a different memory, one that left shivers wracking his frame. He didn’t want to see this.
“Would it help to talk? Tell me what you see?” Phil asked, one hand stroking along Clint’s side as the nurse withdrew.
“Memories.” Clint muttered, shifting farther back against Phil, trying to soak up some of his warmth. Several people stood in the doorway but Clint ignored them, focused on the small form crumpled bleeding on the linoleum.
“What kind of memories?”
“Bad ones. Ones I don’t want to remember.”
“What can I do to help?”
“Don’t let go.”
“I won’t but we need to keep you calm, Clint. How can we do that?”
“Don’t know what’s real.”
“I can tell you what’s real, Clint. Tell me what you are seeing?”
“Barney.” Clint said, breath hitching as he glanced at the corner his brother was occupying.
“Clint, you know your brother is dead.”
“Yeah, I killed him.”
There was the muffled sound of someone rushing out of the room. Clint jerked away from he was watching his brother to look at the rest of the room for an instant before he was pulled back into his memories.
The team sat staggered around the room that Clint had been moved to. They watched as he twitched and jerked in Coulson’s hold. He was silent except for the occasional whimper or moan, slurring when he did answer Coulson’s soft questions. He was slowly becoming more responsive but his eyes stayed fixed on something only he could see.
Clint had finally come round enough to let the nurse draw blood for tests and start an IV. He did not seem to realize that anyone besides Coulson was in the room. Clint didn’t react when they tried to question him or when they spoke to each other.
Bruce and Tony were huddled in one corner writing out chemical equations trying to find something to help their archer. Natasha had claimed the chair closest to the bed and was glaring at anyone who came within five feet. Thor and Steve sat in one corner simply waiting, they had already made a trip out for food and coffee that no one had touched.
“What can I do to help?” Phil asked his voice soft and soothing. Tony and Bruce fell silent as the team waited to see Clint’s response.
“Don’t let go.” Clint gasped, his body shaking.
“I won’t but we need to keep you calm, Clint. How can we do that?”
“Don’t know what’s real.”
“I can tell you what’s real, Clint. Tell me what you are seeing?”
“Barney.” Clint said, breath hitching as he glanced at the spot his brother was occupying near one wall.
“Clint, you know your brother is dead.” Phil said, Tony cursed softly under his breath as everyone’s faces went grave.
“Yeah, I killed him.”
“Are you watching that memory?”
“No, he’s watching me.” Clint said thickly, his eyes flicking between two spots on the wall. “I’m over there. Trick Shot’s not happy.”
“Who is over there with Trick Shot?”
“What is he doing?”
“Nope. I’m done. I’ll be at the tower.” Tony said, bursting from his chair and running out of the room.
“No one with honor would violate a child so! Who is this Trick Shot?” Thor snapped, surging to his feet.
“Sit down. You are not helping him stay calm with yelling.” Natasha hissed, gesturing to where Clint had started fighting against Coulson’s hold.
“I will return to the tower with our shield brother. Please let me know if things progress.”
“I’ll call you.” Steve said, glancing at the others.
“I think I’ll go help Tony in the lab. Make sure he stays on focus.”
“Thanks, Bruce. We’ll call if there’s any change.”
Phil glanced up at Steve but he simply settled back into the couch he and Thor had occupied. He was in it for the long haul. After a moment Natasha came and sat at the other end.
“Talk to me, Clint. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m earning my place.”
“At the circus. Too small to do the hard work so Barney worked for both of us until Trick took me on as a student.”
“And Trick hurt you?”
“Barney gave me to him. Said I was a good fuck.”
“He was wrong to hurt you, Clint.”
“Everyone does.” Clint said, slumping farther down. “Used to it.”
“That does not make it right. They should have never touched you.” Clint gave a small shrug and went limp against Phil.
“I know, Clint, but you need to stay awake a while longer.”
“What’s going on Clint?”
“When I was in the Army. A-stan.” He’s pale and shaking, his breath shuddering in his chest.
He lay there silent. Phil continued to try and get him to come back but he was lost in his nightmares once again.
“It’s a good news, bad news situation.” the doctor said with a sigh as he came in.
“What’s the good news than?”
“The compound has a short half-life. It breaks down in just a few hours.”
“And the bad?”
“Agent Barton’s last blood draw showed near lethal levels. The chemical appears to have been stored in his body somehow and is being released when he is under stress. We need to do more blood draws to see if the levels are coming down now that he’s calmed down.”
“So it’s going to linger in his system?”
“It been in his system in low levels since the Shield mission. He must have went through some kind of stressor to ramp the levels back up. It could take up to a few months for his system to completely detox. We will of course be working on methods to speed the removal of the hallucinogen but there is no guarantee right now on speeding up the process.”
“We understand.” Phil said, “When should he be…more aware?”
“The levels should start dropping in the next hour. By morning if he stays relaxed he should be back to only having a trace amount in his system.”
“Until he gets agitated again?” Steve pressed.
“Yes, until we find a way to force the remaining chemicals out of his system.”
“I’ll go let the rest of the team know. Maybe Bruce and Tony can help with the removal process.”
“Thank you, Steve.” Natasha murmured, eyes on Clint.
They were silent as the nurse bustled in and changed out Clint’s IV bags before leaving with the doctor. The door closed with a soft click behind them. Clint continued to twitch lightly in Phil’s grasp, reacting to something only he could see.
“This was not your fault, Natasha.”
“I never said it was.” She was curled stiffly into the chair, legs pulled to her chest.
“I know how your brain works, Natasha. Hell, Clint’s the same way. If there is any possible chance that he could be to blame he will punish himself for his imagined fault. I would rather not see you making the same mistakes.”
“Our argument triggered his condition.” She pointed out, back ridged.
“Would you have rather it been triggered in yesterday’s battle? When he could have jumped off a building or shot a team mate?”
“Of course not!”
“Then it is no use blaming yourself.” Phil said with a huff. “Clint’s going to need both of us to get through this, Natasha.” She stood and started to pace to one side of the room, her eyes bouncing from him to Clint as she marched.
“I know that, Phil. I just… I don’t like feeling helpless. I can’t help him when his own mind is attacking him.”
“You can help him afterwards. It’s the same as coming back from being captured, Natasha. He’s going to need his sister.”
“I doubt drinking vodka and watching bad movies is going to help much.”
“Couldn’t hurt.” Phil said with a snort. “All we’ve done the last few days is watch bad TV and read or code in Clint’s case.”
“Code? Was Clint the one who messed with Stark’s system?”
“Yes.” Phil said with a small smug grin. “Stark still has no idea who did it.”
“Clint has always been good with machines. He does better at the technical elements of an op then I do.”
“You just don’t have the patience for it.” Phil said with a soft laugh.
“Does he know that Stark wanted to hire whoever did it?”
“Yes, I told him.” Phil said with a grin before he sobered. “I’m not sure what he said to Clint after the last Avenger’s mission but Clint was upset when he got back.”
“I noticed.” Natasha said moving to sit back in her chair. “Stark was asking questions about the mini bombs that Clint designed.”
“Did Clint say that he made them?”
“No, I thought he was just winding Stark up. Letting him rant and try to figure it out while silently laughing at him.”
“Clint’s not one to make fun of someone behind their back.”
“No, I should have realized that but Bruce and Steve were even rolling their eyes behind Stark’s back that afternoon.”
“We are going to have a team meeting once this is all over and review what everyone contributes to the team. We don’t need people assuming things about each other.”
“Would Clint want them to know about the coding?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then we ask.”
“Yes. I think everyone is going to have to do a lot of talking once things get level again.” Phil said with a sigh. Clint groaned softly, twisting in his arms.
“Hey, Clint. Are you coming back to me?”
“Yes. Do you know where you are at?”
“Yes. Do you remember why?”
“Mission. Was drugged.”
“Exactly.” Phil said with a huff of relief. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I’m on speed. Tasha?” He asked glancing at the chair she was sitting in next to the bed.
“Yes, Natasha is here with me.”
“I’m here, Yastreb.”
“Yes, she’s real. There’s no one in the room except for you, myself, and Natasha.”
“Okay.” Clint murmured, glancing around before slowly relaxing.
“Do you see anyone else?”
“Barney. He won’t leave.”
“You know he’s not real, Clint.”
“Yeah. Just wish he would shut up.”
“What’s he saying?”
“That I’m a coward. I am.”
“No, Hawk. You are one of the strongest men I know. You are anything but a coward.” Natasha said.
“I am. Couldn’t tell the team. Couldn’t tell Phil or even you.”
“You don’t have to tell the team or even us everything, Clint. You’re allowed your secrets.”
“Was going to tell when you came over. Should have done it sooner.” Clint whimpered, pushing away when Phil tried to comfort him. Tear ran down the archer’s face as he fought against the comfort they were trying to give him. He did not deserve it.
“Don’t.” He gasped pushing at the arms wrapped around his chest.
“Tell me what’s going on, Clint. I’m not letting go until you calm down and I know you won’t hurt yourself.”
“Don’t deserve it.”
“Deserve what, Clint?”
“You. Won’t want me.”
“Clint, nothing you could tell me would make me not want you. I’ve wanted to date you for years. I’m not letting you go now that we finally got together. Not for any reason, Clint.”
Clint whined low in his throat, tears streaking down his face. He clumsily wiped at his eyes until Natasha got up and grabbed a wet cloth. She wiped his face and neck before handing the cloth and letting him blow his nose. She took the cloth back with a grimace and toss it into the bathroom.
“I know you don’t want to tell us but I think you might need to if it’s bothering you, Clint. Is there some way we can figure it out so you can rest?”
“Medical. My chart from the mission.”
“Okay, Natasha will go get your chart from Fury. I want you to try and sleep until she gets back okay?” Phil slid out from under Clint, letting him lay back and covering him up. He curled around one of the pillows like he was a child hugging a teddy bear. “Need another blanket?”
“No.” Clint muttered, sniffling as he buried his face in the covers.
“Okay. I’m going to work on some emails while we wait on Natasha.”
Phil pulled out his Stark Pad and started sending messages. He sent one to the team updating them on the situation and advising them to come back in the morning. Hopefully Clint would be mostly over the drugs by then.
The next few messages were sent to Fury requesting the full medical, mission, and recovery files from the last mission stating that Clint had given his verbal permission and was currently sleeping. He sent in vacation requests for Natasha, Clint, and himself for the next month so they would have time to get everything back in order. Clint was probably going to be medically benched for a few months anyway but it never hurt to cover all bases. Natasha returned with a box full of records just as he was finishing up.
“Nick still alive?”
“He just pointed me to the box. It looked like he’s had it ready for a while.”
“Figures. What are we looking at?” he said as she started pulling out files and laying them out across the tiny table the room had.
“Clint’s medical file since Loki.” she said, her expression hard.
“I sent Fury a request to send me the full report on the mission and Clint’s recovery as well.”
“Let’s get started then.” She said sorting the files to before the last mission and after the last mission. “Do you want post Loki or post mission?”
“Loki. He’s had several flashbacks probably thanks to the hallucinogen but I’d rather know what might trigger him.”
“Sounds good. We can swap once we both finish.”
They had been at it for over an hour when Natasha started cursing in Russian.
“Something I should know?”
“You’ll know when you see it.” She snapped, her thick accent signaling how upset she truly was.
She read faster than Phil and started reviewing the files that he had already set to the side. Hours later she had finished everything and moved to sit next to Clint again. He had woken several times but after being reassured that they were really there he settled down and fell back asleep after a sort span of watching them work.
“Yastreb,” Natasha murmured as she curled up against his side.
“Tasha.” Clint murmured sleepily, glancing around the room. His eyes stalled in one corner with a small flinch.
“He’s not there, Yastreb.”
“I know, but he’s still in my head.” he muttered wrapping around his pillow tighter.
“What can I do to help?” she pressed gently stroking one hand in soothing circles along his shoulders and upper back.
“Don’t know.” he said with a small shudder, eyes never leaving what only he could see.
“Did it help to talk about what you see?”
“Want to try that? You know Phil and I will not let it go any farther than the three of us.” She glanced up as Phil carefully shut the file he had been reading and started stuffing them back into the box with more violence than the action really needed.
“I’ll be back.” Phil said, rushing out of the room.
“He’s reading my file?”
“Doesn’t want me.”
“I doubt that was why he left, Clint. He’ll be back soon, Yastreb.” Clint merely curled back into his ball of misery.
An hour later Phil came back into the room pushing a wheelchair before him; He quickly gathered up the random things everyone had brought or left in the room, shoving everything into a bag. He took in the pale form of his lover before leaning down and pressing a kiss to his forehead.
“We’re getting out of here. Tony has agreed to let us use an empty floor at the tower.” He said easing the IV out of Clint’s arm and expertly bandaging the site while Clint blinked at him in confusion.
“The doctors agreed to this?” Natasha asked, handing Clint his hoodie to pull back on and stuffing his feet into his boots once he sat up.
“They agree that as long as we keep him calm there is no reason to keep him if he is going to be under observation. Tony has agreed to allow us to use Jarvis to monitor his vitals but not record anything that happens while we are there. The floor will be on lockdown unless we turn it off. No one from the team will visit unless we allow it.”
“Why?” Clint asked as Natasha guided him into the chair.
“Because we need to talk and I would rather Shield not have it as part of our records.”
“Okay.” Clint agreed looking slightly dazed.
“I have a car waiting.” he said handing the bag to Natasha and unlocking the wheelchair. “The doctors want you relaxed as possible so no walking I’m afraid.”
“Yes, you are off the range until your blood level registers as only having trace amounts of the hallucinogen.”
“You okay?” Phil pressed as he wheeled Clint towards a side elevator that went to the parking deck.
“You can sleep all you want at the tower but we are going to wake you up for dinner. You need to eat and take your meds.”
“An antianxiety medication so that you won’t suffer additional stress until the drug is completely out of your system.”
“A month, maybe more. I requested a month of vacation time for the three of us however so you won’t be alone.”
The ride to the tower was silent. Clint dozed in the back while Phil worked on his tablet and Natasha drove. Thankfully it was a short drive and easy since it was already late and traffic was non-existent.
“Welcome back, Agents Barton, Romanov, and Coulson. Sir has had floor 56 set up to your specifications. I also took the liberty of stocking the kitchen. Please let me know if there is anything else you require.”
“We will. Tell Tony thank you for me. I understand how hard it will be to let us be close but locked away.”
“Sir had to have a similar situation set up when he returned from Afghanistan himself. He was not going to deny someone else the comforts he himself needed.”
“Hate A-stan.” Clint muttered from the wheelchair.
“Are you hungry at all?” Phil asked as he wheeled the chair out of the elevator and into their new floor for the next week.
“Okay, I will get you something, Hawk.” Natasha said, moving toward the kitchen.
“Do you want to shower before bed?”
“Yeah, should probably.” Clint said, limp in the chair as Phil wheeled him right into the bathroom.
“Use the bench and let me know when you’re ready to come back out.”
“Okay.” Clint murmured, watching as Phil shut the door behind him as he left.
Clint forced himself out of the chair. Stripping out of his sweat strained clothes and into the shower that Jarvis had helpfully started. He knew Phil was just doing his job. He was his handler and had to get him back in the field. He wouldn’t want him back in his bed anytime soon now that he knew the truth about how broken Clint really was.
He mechanically washed himself from his spot on the bench and then held onto a convenient railing while he dried off. Someone had left him a pair of boxers, tee-shirt, thick socks, and sleep pants so he dressed before lowering himself back into the wheelchair.
“Would you like me to inform Agent Coulson that you are ready, Agent Barton?” Jarvis asked, making Clint jump.
“Yeah. Thanks, Jarvis.” Clint managed, taking a deep breath as Phil came in.
“Fine.” He said, fighting against the need to lean against the other man as he helped him up and into the massive bed. He needed some distance if he had a chance in hell of letting Phil go.
Natasha handed him a large bottle of water before he could lie down. Phil shook out a tablet from a prescription bottle and handed it over as well. Clint took the medication without complaint, washing it down with half the water before handing it back.
“Do you want us both in here with you, Clint? I’d like at least one person with you for today at least.”
“Doesn’t matter.” Clint huffed, curling around a pillow and watching where Barney was leaning in one corner watching him with dark eyes. Natasha took the arm chair to one side while Phil stretched out on the bed behind him.
“Tell me what you are seeing, Clint. You said talking helped.” Phil said, shifting closer so that his body was pressed in one long line of heat against Clint’s back.
“It’s just Barney.”
“No purple dinosaurs?” Natasha asked softly with a smirk.
“No, no purple…it’s a thing?”
“Horrible children’s show. I will let you watch it once your better.”
“Okay, but it’s just him watching me, talking to me.”
“He’s just standing there? He’s not doing anything but talking?”
“No…he’s…he’s rubbing himself. Telling how good a whore I am. Not good for anything else.”
“You know that’s not true, Clint. You’re amazing.” Clint’s breath hitched as he fought the shudders that wanted to wrack his frame.
“Don’t want to watch.”
“Then don’t, Clint. Look at me.”
“Doesn’t matter, I still see him no matter where I look.”
Clint shivered as he watched his brother jack himself off with a leer. Phil’s voice was in his ear telling him how wonderful he was but he knew that was a lie. People said you were amazing until they got tired of you. Then you were just something to be broken and thrown away.
“Stop saying that.”
“That I’m good. I’m not. I’m broken.”
“No you aren’t broken, Clint. If you’re broken for having a bad childhood then so is most of Shield. Most of the Avengers had bad childhoods, Clint. That does not make them broken or useless.”
“They’re not mutilated.”
“It’s just scars, Clint. I don’t care if you are missing your testicles or both your legs. I’m not going to give you up or treat you badly because of it.”
“I can’t…I can’t.” Clint gasped for air, twisting to push Phil weakly away. Phil simply pulled him back in and tucked him against his chest.
“Whatever you think you can’t do I am sure we can prove you wrong. If it’s the sex you’re worried about we had sex yesterday and it was one of the hottest nights I’ve ever had.”
“Can’t…can’t…” Clint whined, wrapping arms around Phil as he fought against the tears that wanted to come. “Fuck.”
“We can do that too if that’s what it takes to convince you I want you though Natasha is going to have to leave if it comes to that.” Natasha muttered a reverent prayer of thanks in Russian from her chair. “Or you can fuck me. I will do whatever it takes to convince you that I want you. I want you any way I can get you. If that means we don’t have sex, so be it. If it means we never touch again, I will try because I want to keep you. I want to wake up with you next to me for the rest of my life, Clint, and I will do whatever it takes to do that.”
“Really? It’s not the drugs?” Clint asked, voice thick with tears and desperate.
“Really.” Phil said, pulling back and kissing him gently. “You tell me what you need and I will make it happen but I am not leaving you, ever.”
“Okay.” Clint sniffed, “Okay.”
“What do you want to do now, Clint?”
“Can we, can we just sleep like this?” Phil slumped against him for a moment, pulling him tight against his chest.
“Yes, we can do that. Natasha can wake us up for dinner.”
“Okay.” Clint whispered, pressing a trembling kiss to Phil’s neck before shifting back so that Phil could lay back comfortably.
Clint slept through the rest of the night only groggily waking up long enough to drink a cup of soup for dinner and fall back asleep against Phil’s side. The next morning he woke up only to panic for a moment when the bed and room was empty besides himself. He was just pulling himself upright when Phil came back into the room.
“I need a finger stick from you to test your blood levels and then we can talk options for the rest of the day.”
“Barney’s gone.” Clint muttered, too distracted by trying to find his missing hallucination.
“That’s a good thing, Clint.”
“Makes me think he’s hiding.”
“Don’t think about it so hard.” The device beeped softly after he hit several keys. “Jarvis, how is he looking?”
“He is back down to the trace amounts of drug.”
“Good. We’ll be testing you ever few hours just to make sure.” Phil said with a small smile, setting the device next to the bed. “Can I kiss you?”
“You still want to? Even knowing I’m nuts?”
“You were drugged, Clint. That does not mean you’re nuts. I will tell you that every morning for the rest of our lives if that’s what it takes to make it stick.” He climbed into bed next to Clint and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I’m not leaving, Clint. Not unless you tell me to.”
“I don’t want you to leave but I don’t want you to settle for some broken hick-town carney archer either.”
“I am not settling. I am getting the most amazing man I have ever had the luck to know. A man who overcame his bad childhood and lack of education to get two college degrees while working for Shield. Who has saved more lives at the risk of his own than I could ever count? A man who has saved my life countless times and who shows me some amazing new facet every time I talk to him.”
“I want to hold a meeting with the team and discuss each member’s abilities and assets so everyone is aware of just what that person brings to the table. And you bring a lot, Clint. You designed your bow and the quiver arrowhead system. You have several hundred patents logged with Shield for weapons you designed, including the flash bombs you used on the last Avengers mission. I want you to be recognized for your gifts.”
“I’m not special.”
“Yes, you are. You are amazing and I am honored to work with you and to be allowed to be in your life.”
“I’m.” Clint tried to argue but Phil silenced him with a kiss.
“Not arguing this with you. Are you hungry?”
“Would you drink a protein drink for me?”
“Yeah. That would be okay.”
“Wonderful. Then we can discuss options.” Phil said briskly, tugging a bottle from the floor next to the bed.
“Boy scout.” Clint muttered with a huff but he obediently cracked open the drink and started sipping.
“We have two options. Option one, we can go out into the living room and watch bad reality TV with Natasha.”
“Okay.” Clint nodded, since Phil paused waiting like he wanted him to respond.
“Option two is we both get naked and I spend the rest of the day proving to you exactly how much I love you.” Clint choked on his drink, coughing as Phil got up and grabbed a washcloth to clean up the spilled protein shake.
“You want to…”
“Do whatever you want to do. If you want to watch TV we can do that.”
“It’s not only for the sex, right?” Clint asked, unsure and hating how vulnerable he felt.
“No, Clint. I don’t just want you for the sex. I loved spending the last week with you. I want to spend a lot more time with you outside of work of you want to share it with me.”
“And you don’t mind that I’m missing…”
“No, I don’t mind. Let me show you just how much I don’t mind.” He said, pressing Clint back into the bed.
He pressed soft kissed to Clint’s face and neck before slotting their legs together. Clint gasped softly as he felt Phil’s half hard erection pressing into his hip. Phil took it as invitation to deepen the kiss, licking his way into Clint’s mouth like he wanted to map every contour and memorize his taste. Clint was half hard and gasping for air when they broke apart.
“Want to see you. Can I see you?” Phil panted pulling off his own shirt and toeing off his socks.
He stripped down to his boxers while Clint slowly pulled off his shirt. Phil crawled forward and proceed to worship Clint’s chest and abs, nipping, sucking, and licking his way back up to devour his mouth before heading back to torment his nipples.
Clint writhered and whined at the assault. He was painfully hard and gripping the sheets tightly as he fought against the dual pain and pleasure that was burning through his body. His back arched as curses spilled from his lips. Phil began mouthing at the scars littering his stomach.
“Want to suck you off. Can I do that for you, Clint?”
“Just, fuck…just slowly, please?”
“I can do that. You tell me if I go too fast for you. I’ll stop.”
“Okay, shit. Okay.”
Phil continued to kiss and tease even as he slowly slid Clint’s sleep pants off. He pulled away for a moment to toss the pants somewhere to one side. Clint fought the need to cover himself as Phil took in the scar covered skin.
“Beautiful.” He murmured, pressing soft kisses to the long scar along one leg.
“It’s not.” Clint managed, shivering as Phil moved to kiss the angry lines along one hip.
“You survived and came back to me. That’s enough to make every mark wonderful.”
He kissed his way across Clint’s hips and pressed a reverent kiss to the side of his cock where the scar tissue twisted its pale lines along its length. Phil mouthed and licked at the ridge of tissue before pulling the head into his mouth.
Clint whined and moaned as he got painfully hard, hips stuttering as his body fought to seek more of that silken warmth and the jerk away from the source of pain. It finally tipped all the way to pain as Phil started sucking hungrily at his length, palms cupping his ass.
“Gah, shit. Stop.” Clint choked out, pushing away from Phil. He curled up against the headboard gasping for air.
“That hurt, didn’t it?”
“Don’t apologize.” Phil murmured, moving up to sit next to Clint. “Was any of it good?”
“It was good, just painful. Didn’t really start to hurt until you started to suck hard.”
“Okay, that’s off the table than.”
“What, you still want to try?”
“You came before.” Phil pointed out, rubbing on hand along Clint’s side. “What was different?”
“You distracted me with all the kissing and touching.”
“What if you were on top again and we kissed while I rubbed you off?”
“If you still want to.”
“With you, always.” Phil said, pulling Clint up for a chaste kiss, “Let me get one thing.” He slid out of bed and went to the bathroom, returning a minute later with a bottle of lube.
“Not that I don’t like the idea of you fucking me, I don’t think I’m into that tonight.”
“Good, that wasn’t what I was thinking.” He said, clicking open the bottle and pouring some on one palm before he laid back down on his back. “You drive this time.”
“And next time you’ll fuck me?” Clint asked with a small grin as he straddled the other man.
“Until you scream.” Phil deadpanned, slicking up both their cocks and wrapping a loose fist around Clint’s length. “Come on, Hawk, move for me.”
“What, no pet names?” Clint groaned softly as he thrust through the light hold, Phil had around him.
“Well, if you insist, Snookums.”
“Oh, hell no.” Clint laughed. Phil pulled him down into a kiss that quickly deepened as they rocked against each other.
“So you’re okay with Hawk?” Phil asked, sucking and nipping at Clint’s neck.
“As long as you don’t mind me calling you Phil or PC.”
“I can live with that.”
They were silent after that, exchanging lingering kisses until they both fell to pieces. It was not perfect and they would both be working on exercising their demons for years to come but now they would have the other to lean on. Clint thought that it might just be enough.