Resolve

One of the outcomes of doing the Reverb 10 posts for December was that way too often I was saying, no I do not have that in my life.

Something that inspires Wonder? No, can’t say I do. 

A Core Story? No.

Best Meal? Umm…No.

Proof that everything is going to be Okay? No.

How do you see your Future Self? No idea.

I think the last is my main issue. I have no idea what I should be doing with my life and self at this point. I have spent the last Ten years in school and working full-time. I have never had a life, or at least never much of one. I worked, went to school, rode horses, ate and slept. That routine rarely changed. I have changed jobs, barns, schools, but the activities remained the same.

Three years ago I started writing a novel because I was going slowly insane in the job I was in. The job has changed and gotten a lot better but the writing stuck with me.

Before the writing I made jewelry, worked as a dog/house sitter in my spare time, started a blog, closed the blog, restarted the blog, tried to teach myself to paint. I am still trying to teach myself to paint but all the other hobbies have fallen away.

My days are still very routine, Work, home, eat, sleep, with very little variation.

As part of my new years resolution to be more Active in my life I have started getting out of the house once a week. It does not matter where I go but it must be out of the house for part of an afternoon.

Last week I went and walked the Mall and browsed the bookstore before getting take out Chinese and heading home. Also got barked at by a group of teenagers wandering the mall. This weekend I am heading to Atlanta for the day with my friend Lisa to bum around, get lunch, dinner, and head to a concert. Should be a great day.

My wish list for this year is huge. I want to do so many things. I started manic-ly cleaning my house in the hopes that if I had everything organized and in place I would see where I needed things or where I have areas I need to improve. Instead I got a bedroom that all the clothes are folded and in order, all the things in the closets are hung up and shoes are in rows. All the books are on the shelves and things are dusted.

My problem is while I am being very active. I feel like I am not getting much done at all. I am on and off working on several books or short stories but nothing is finished. Honestly, I am depressed. I feel like I get home, and sit around at a loss what I should be doing. And that is the problem. I don’t know what I want to be doing right now. I make plans and nothing happens. Nothing improves.

This is my year to get a life and so far I feel like I am falling into a routine that I do not like and still lacking any direction or drive to my life. I get home and realize that I have 6 hours till I have to get into bed and I have no idea how to spend that time. I wind up on the couch watching movies or on the computer reading fan-fiction or playing games.

I need to get some direction to move toward.

On an up note I have lost ten pounds and am starting to see my clothes get a bit looser.

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