Holding Back

http://rvxn.org/holding-back/

I read this post this morning and it had perfect timing. This is a rather personal post so if you are not into getting details then please do not read.

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I was in a bit of a funk yesterday since I did not manage to get much done. I was feeling tired and fat. I have been forcing myself to get out and do more with friends and coworkers but it means that I also have no time for myself on occasion. I realized that since I have been out of town for work, I have not worked on my writing, french, or guitar in weeks. Yesterday was supposed to be my mental health/catch pu day but other things derailed that plan. I wound up getting up, taking a shower, checking my email, getting lunch with my parents and playing with my niece for 4 hours. It was nice. We colored and watched a movie, played with the dogs, and colored some more. I snuck out to run an errand and let my dog out and then was back for another hour or so.

By the time I got home I was tired and the day was almost over. I dug out my vitamins and cuddled with the Stell-bell while I watched an old movie I recently picked up. I got a call part of the way into the movie asking me to go to a late dinner, but by then I had already eaten. I declined and settled in only to get another call in a bit. The BF wanted to come over and cuddle. I explaned that I was having a stressful day and not up for company. He still wanted to come so I gave in and let him.

We cuddled and watched the last 45 minutes of my movie curled on the couch with my dog. Then he went home so I could go to sleep since I had to work the next day. However, I could not sleep. I was turning things over in my head over and over.

I keep telling him that he is spoiling me. He grins and tells me he is supposed to. The fact is that I am not used to being spoiled. I am used to doing for myself or being the one who gives everything. I do not know what to do with a guy who actually wants to spend time with me and wants to comfort me when I am down.

I realized that I have been trying to distance myself or pay him back for each kindness, which was making me stressed and doubtful. I need to be willing to have someone see me as cute, as a person to be enjoyed and someome they want to share things with. The fact is I am simply me. I need to accept this fact and let others see more of me. I am not a broken person or one needing to be fixed. I just need to start trying to not hold things back.

I am holding myself at a distance because I have been hurt too often in relationships that demanded that I be everything for them. Now that I am in one that does not I do not know how to deal with it. The only real response however is to stop holding back and to try and be myself. I am only hurting myself with holding back. Yes, if it does not work out I will be hurt but it will be worth the chance of hurt if we do work out.

Fix Me by 10 Years

It’s taken a life time to lose my way
A life time of yesterday
All the wasted time on my hands
Turns to sand, and fades in the wind
Crossing lines, small crimes
Taking back what is mine

I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

So lost for so long
To find my way
I failed to follow
I’m out of place
Crossing lines, small crimes
Taking back what is mine

I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

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