I have been making lists in my head lately. Not all are happy lists but a few are.

Reasons to move.
– Hate the town I am in.
– No friends in the town I am in.
– Even the people that have lived here their entire life agree that it is a VERY conservative town that I am not well suited to.
– Because I can.
– Panic attacks and depression are not worth it.

Reasons to be happy with what I have.
– I have a job.
– I have my health and am working to improve it.

Reasons to stay…
– Closer to my family and best friend.
– I am in a good job at a good company.

Reasons to stop riding lessons for a while.
– Save money.
– Not improving or making any real progress right now.
– Barn I am at does not have a good horse for jumping consistantly.
– There are barns in my area I could ride at that are cheaper.
– I am taking other lessons such as art classes and Tai Chi.

Tai Chi
– On good days it is wonderful. The movements and breath sync. Your focus is soft and light, things move around you and they are simply there but not distracting or influencing you.
– On bad stressful days it is painful and hard. Tension fills you and it hurts to try and force deep breaths in and out. The soft eyes and focus are lost meaning constant distractions and a fight to maintain even normal balance.
– The random moments of mindless disassociation are a bit scary.
(I did a basic stance for almost an hour, at some point I blinked and realized my hands were still going through the motions but my mind had distanced itself from it, like those were not my hands…)


3 thoughts on “Lists

  1. Don’t you want the moments of disassociation? That’s what meditation is for, right? I get that when I meditate and when I (funny enough) do dishes, where I disconnect and am able to find peace. That’s a good thing, right?

    • I guess. Was thinking it would be more like when I was riding and everything clicks and you are moving in perfect motion with the horse but with a blank mind. This was a bit more scary since it felt like the hands were not part of me or mine. Like when you stare at a mirror so long that you no longer recongnize your own face.

Comments are closed.